Grandmother Information

Traditional, Enlightened and Empowered Grandmothers

Jean Giles-Sims, Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology
TCU

When I first heard the words, "You are going to be grandmother," I was standing in my Maine kitchen preparing my favorite meal: boiled lobster, fresh corn on the cob from a local farm, whole wheat bread from an earthy bakery, and blueberry pie with our small native blueberries. I just stood there shocked while everyone chattered and laughed around me, and the lobsters boiled over on the stove (a real mess for Charles who cleans up the kitchen). Laughter erupted around me - at me. Rarely did something surprise me like this. I plan for and anticipate changes, but this news caught me off guard. John and Lisa anxiously awaited my reaction. They had been married only a few months, and the pregnancy was a surprise.

I don't know how long I stared, but I finally asked, "Really?" They might be kidding. Right? As I left their wedding reception, I had said to Lisa's parents, "Maybe someday we will share grandchildren." Lisa's father said, "I hope not anytime soon." We all laughed with relief. How our children surprise us.

My daughter predicted my reactions, “First she’ll be shocked, then happy, and then she’ll go shopping.” Very astute! Being happy and going shopping are two of the great pleasures of being a grandmother. Yes, I soon began visiting baby stores (or grandmother traps as they may be called). But I wasn’t ready, was I? I was 48 - too young to think about it even! Little did I know then that the average age of women becoming first time grandmothers is 47, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. I reflected as most women do after hearing the news. I’m a mother, a wife, an academic, a women’s advocate, occasionally a dreamer, a Baby Boomer, but a Grandmother?

I groaned loudly recalling images of grandmothers in books and other media. Surely, I don’t look like those images. My life provides very little time for the rocking chair and I rarely bake cookies. I think I look and act much younger than pictures of grandmothers I frequently see. I exercise and am not bent over or hobble kneed. In fact, none of my grandmother friends look like those pictures. I thought: “Something is wrong here.” Those old stereotypes fit us about as well as our high school bathing suits. We need new definitions, images, and role models.

I loved my grandmothers. I also knew I would not be like them. But the old images confused me. I thought, weren’t grandmothers always warm, generous, revered, wise older women? Yes, sometimes, but the image that came to my mind was of a white haired woman in a housedress, with bum knees and a big apron covering a generous belly. Of course, few grandmothers may have actually looked like that, but I couldn’t see myself that way. I wear shorts, soft suits, sweat suits, pants, but never housedresses, and I work outside the home. I identify still with a youthful, vital image. I began to wonder why grandmother images that seemed so outdated still persisted?

I went to my bookshelves and the library. Many women I admire in history and literature wrote about their grandmothers: Louisa May Alcott, Maya Angelou, Mary Catherine Bateson, Florence King, Margaret Mead and Eleanor Roosevelt. I searched my favorite biographies for their stories. I found many women and men who gave voice to the impact their grandmothers had on them. For example, Jean-Paul Sartre wrote: “It always astonished me that I could make my grandmother go into raptures of joy just by being hungry.” The Virago Book of Grandmothers compiled by Penelope Farmer includes 400 pages of literary excerpts about grandmothers. But few women have written directly about being a grandmother. Women’s voices have been silenced, and grandmother silence is pervasive in both literature and social science. Have grandmothers’ own lives been ignored and trivialized?

Science writer, Natalie Angier recently wrote in the New York Times: “In news reports to call a woman ‘grandmotherly’ is shorthand for ‘kindly, frail, harmless, keeper of the family antimacassars and operationally past tense.’” When I read this I wondered: why are grandmothers regarded so poorly? Part of the answer rests in our busy, youth-oriented, consumerist American culture, which neglects, disregards and devalues older people. Mary Pipher calls the world of elders “another country,”because youth and media hungry for youthful images almost completely ignore people past middle-age. Barbara Ehrenreich recently commented: “Despite the aging of the population, grandparenthood remains an almost wholly unwritten phase of life…and is routinely trivialized.” Now the number of new grandmothers grows by thousands per day, and demands attention. Currently 35-40 million women are grandmothers. By 2020 another 40 million Baby Boomer women will be grandmothers. There is literally a “Grandmother Population Boom.”

In the past, researchers and social scientists overlooked grandmothers and their value to the family. Historically, anthropologists regarded post-menopausal women as anachronisms – useless because they could no longer produce children. In Charles William Merton Hart’s words, they were: “a terrible nuisance” whose “activities did not merit recording or analyzing.” But social science changed as women joined the ranks, and very recently anthropologists discovered that a grandmother’s presence improves a child’s chances of survival, and that grandmothers are quite durable and valuable to society. Professor Kristen Hawkes studied children and families in hunter-gatherer groups in Africa and South America. In these societies, post-menopausal women provide most of the food, freeing mothers to bear, care for and protect their own babies. Grandmothers give babies a crucial edge in the struggle to grow and survive. Having a grandmother actually reduces by half an infant’s chance of dying. This advantage, often dubbed “The Grandmother Factor”, I call “Grandmother Hypothesis.” It seems that grandmothers’ goodness and loving involvement with grandkids existed long before anybody called it “spoiling.”

In earlier times, grandmothers literally helped perpetuate the species. Today, “Grandmother Goodness” still benefits children, although through different means. New grandmothers give grandkids the feeling of complete acceptance and love, teach through play and example, share time to make their grandkids feel special, and in 6% of cases actually provide grandkids with homes. Researchers at a recent international conference on grandmothers were: “flummoxed at the nature of Grandma’s Goodness” and its effects. When I read these new findings, I said, “Of course. Doesn’t everybody know that?” It turns out that in the past, few paid attention or acknowledged the effects of Grandmother Goodness. Grandmothers and their grandkids knew of Grandmother Goodness for years before social science acknowledged it. Given these facts, how can we ignore grandmothers and their crucial value to children? How did the neglect and trivialization occur? Haven’t grandmothers spoken up for themselves, or has nobody listened? Isn’t it time we all listened?

As more women and social scientists explore the value and hear the voices of grandmothers, negative images and old stereotypes will gradually disappear. People need to see the true beauty and beneficence of real grandmothers, and to hear women voice real grandmothers’ desires, concerns, joys and suggestions.

Over several years, I have asked my university students: “Can you tell me about your grandmothers and what they mean to you.” Young men and women in jeans and tee shirts with pierced lips and tongues as well as those in Ralph Lauren shirts beam when asked. Most have grandmothers and those who don’t feel cheated. Memories flow easily of strong women working, playing, and talking with them. I marveled at these stories, and my students’ love, respect, and appreciation of their grandmothers. I heard women students tell of talking with and gaining comfort and acceptance from grandmothers during adolescent traumas. Others tell of grandmothers who let them explore themselves with them. I also heard many stories of cuddling, gifts, and great meals.

I wanted to be a grandmother, but what kind of grandmother? Other women my age voiced the same question. A recently retired business woman, Teresa, told me over a leisurely California breakfast of eggs, pancakes and big fresh oranges: “I want to be a grandmother, but I wouldn’t be a traditional grandmother.” I began to wonder, “What are my other choices?”--a question that ultimately motivated my research. I wanted to give my grandchild strong roots and anchors. I wondered: “How do grandmothers do this?” No one takes classes to be a grandmother or tests for the position. My questions led me to interview grandmothers and to talk with every grandmother I met.

Ultimately, I interviewed 50 grandmothers for 2-6 hours in my office, my home, or at a grandmother’s home. One interview occurred on the telephone because of distance. The grandmothers I interviewed ranged from poor and struggling with basic life needs, to comfortable and even wealthy. Whites, Blacks and Latinas sat and talked with me. They were married, divorced, widowed and in one case in a lesbian relationship. Two raised grandchildren full-time, most cared for their grandchildren at least some times, but two were barred completely from seeing their grandchildren. They lived all across the country and were teachers, professionals, homemakers, community volunteers, artists, and store clerks. They are middle-aged women like you and me, grandmothers in the beginning of the 21st Century. They represent a range of grandmother experiences.

The New Grandmother is Different.

Most new grandmothers grew up in the huge Baby Boom that followed World War II. Theirs was the generation that voiced anti-war sentiments, civil rights injustices, and demands for women’s liberation and sexual freedoms. Members of the Baby Boom generation have changed perspectives on each and every stage of life as they have passed through it. As futurist Ken Dychtwald predicts: “The baby-boom generation is about to transform into the largest elderly population in human history, changing how everyone lives, large and small. No business, family, or home will work tomorrow as it does today.” (www.agewave.com) The new grandmother is redefining herself and how people think of grandmothers, how they listen to grandmothers, and how grandmothers connect to their grandchildren.

Traditional, Enlightened and Empowered Grandmothers

As I listened to the real experts, grandmother themselves, I began to distinguish three styles of grandmothering: traditional, enlightened, and empowered.

Traditional grandmothers embrace the major values and roles of previous generations. They tend to feel and act like the grandmothers we remember. They are usually not employed outside the home, and many did not have a college education. They place their families at the center of their lives and most enjoy cooking for a houseful of grandkids. They support traditional religious training and revere the wisdom of the past. They support distinctions between boys’ and girls’ games, toys, clothes, responsibilities, and emotional expression. They want to give their grandchildren the stability and security of a traditional family.

Enlightened grandmothers bridge older and modern roles for women. They maintain “family first” values and primary roles as wives and mothers, but now value and encourage children and grandchildren to explore broader opportunities. They tell granddaughters that they can be anything they want to be. They often encourage and help granddaughters to pursue higher education and to plan for careers. At mid-life, enlightened grandmothers bring parenting experience, available time, energy and fresh perspectives to grandkids. If traditional wisdom is the tried and true ways of doing things, enlightenment is knowing that other ways exist and are worth pursuing.

Empowered grandmothers struck out early from traditional roots to redefine women’s place in the world, and now they enjoy social and economic power. They have careers, incomes, independent resources, and they can use their power to create new opportunities and to expand the image of a grandmother. They champion modern gender roles and women’s contributions outside the family as well as inside. They have less time, but more resources, to support and train the new generation if they choose. They may choose to cook, to go out to meals, to travel with grandkids, and/or to introduce grandkids to alternative religions or philosophies. Many also take this opportunity for a second chance to give grandkids time and attention they sometimes didn’t give to their own young children

Grandmother Goodness

Grandmother Goodness describes grandmothers how draw on their varying life experiences resourcefully, employing their intelligence, skills, and talent to find new ways to connect with, enjoy, and help their grandkids. Grandmothers can give their grandchildren precious time, love, stability, wisdom, care, guidance, playfulness, validation, a sympathetic ear, mentoring, spiritual guidance, and many other important gifts. But in this age of distant families, overcrowded schedules, demanding personal commitments and generally, busy lives, grandmothers often feel torn between the a variety of demands and desires to connect with grandchildren. How can modern grandmothers reach each grandchild with these gifts? This requires Grandmother Goodness.

Grandmothers have ingenious ideas to help them connect to grandchildren. Their powerful motivation combines with their varying life skills to breed Grandmother Goodness. As I listened to grandmothers for this book, I marveled at their ingenious ideas for developing connections with grandkids. All modern grandmothers can be ingenious grandmothers, but each type of grandmother does it in her own way.

Traditional grandmothers model their connections on grandmother models from the past and update the setting. They use their Goodness to find new ways to give their grandkids the same stability, security and traditional values and wisdom that they received from grandmothers. These grandmothers may use traditional tasks such as cooking, sewing, and family scrapbooks to connect with grandkids. They may recite familiar sayings such as “A stitch in time saves nine; Save the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves; If something is worth doing, it is worth doing well. Everything comes to those who wait.” Some may repeat parables or stories from the past with deep meanings as true today as at any time.

One of my favorite grandmother wisdom stories captures a timeless truth. This story of two wolves originally came from a traditional, Native American woman. Women have passed such stories on orally from woman to woman and generation to generation. The story is of a young boy who went to his grandmother fighting back tears and moaning that other kids laughed at him at school. His grandmother said soflty:

“There have been times when I have felt anger too at others who were unkind and I have felt angry at myself for feeling small and helpless. And I have even felt hate for those who felt no sorrow for the hurt they cause. But hate wears you down, Grandson, and it does not hurt your enemy. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves living inside me; one is white and one is grey. The white wolf is good and does no harm, living in harmony with all, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. White wolf will only fight when it is right to do so and in the right way. But grey wolf is full of anger. The littlest thing will cause a fit of temper. Grey wolf fights everyone all the time…for no reason…not thinking because this anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger and will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside of me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.” The boy was listening very carefully. He asked, “Which one wins, Grandmother?” Grandmother smiled gently and said, “The one I feed.”
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In this traditional story “Grandmother” connects to her grandson, his

struggle, and his feelings of anger by passing on her wisdom through the vivid image of the two wolves. This marvelously imaginative story strikes us all with its truth. It conveys knowledge and understanding, and as a story, it will impact the grandson more than a lecture. It is a demonstration rather than a rule.

Among Native Americans, grandmother-granddaughter groups and pacts are common. They are formed to pass on the wisdom and knowledge of the older generation and to allow young girls to have a place to talk about boyfriends, school, sex, and other teenage concerns. Many new grandmothers I interviewed create exchanges in less formal ways that also convey traditional values and wisdom.

Most Enlightened Grandmothers have flexible time commitments and connect with grandkids by sharing their lives, taking them to special events at theatres, museums, zoos and parks. During these activities they talk openly with grandkids about important issues in families and in the larger world. They also listen and demonstrate values and commitments by showing grandkids what is acceptable or uncomfortable. They can connect emotionally with grandkids by listening to their feelings, needs, beliefs, and emotions without judging or trying to fix their problems. Making time and space in our lives for grandkids tells them they are valued. We can teach them about humanity by showing them our strengths as well as our vulnerabilities.

Francis is a worried grandmother who consults with a therapist to find ways to help her grandson cope with a divorce and remarriage. She rarely bakes cookies, but she keeps a room for her grandson in her home to provide him security and stability during troubling family transitions. She attends all little league games, and she has taken golf lessons with him. She maintains recreational memberships in several museums and clubs to make opportunities available to him that his parents could not afford. She tells him repeatedly that he can become whatever he wants, that he can always talk to her, and that she will always help him. Her ambitions for him are college and a profession. Privately, she mourns that her grandson is not having the warm, traditional upbringing that she had, but she wants to have the quality of connection with him that she had with her traditional grandmothers.

Empowered grandmothers must creatively adapt to connect with their grandkids in their increasingly busy, distant, and fragmented lives. Kids are also overscheduled and little time remains for a visit to Grandma. This Grandma is employed or active in her community, and sometimes caring for sick parents. Empower grandmothers rarely gather the family for weekly for Sunday dinners, and family members often live at long distances from each other. These grandmothers do have professional skills and resources to facilitate connecting with grandkids. Some grandmothers and grandkids attend camp together. Others travel on special grandparenting tours. One reads a book to her grandchild each month on videotape and sends it to the parents to play for the grandchild. Digital pictures and videos commonly show up on the computers in the offices of these grandmothers. Some even take grandchildren to their offices or on their business trips.

All grandmothers are worried about their children’s future, and often dedicate themselves to helping children they know, giving to charities, or even demonstrating and campaigning for changes in social policy that prevent further problems.

Traditional grandmothers might face a technological gap the size of Niagara Falls between their preferred letters and phone calls and the computer savvy lives of their grandkids. But empowered grandmothers jump into the world of instant messages, e-mail to connect with their grandkids, or even use videophones to keep in touch.

Betty, who works full time in Northern New England, needed to find a way to connect to her twelve-year-old grandson, Joe, who lives in New Jersey. They only see each other a few times per year, and these times are often formal dinners or big family celebrations. Betty wanted to connect with Joe the way she had connected with her grandmother as they baked pies or sewed doll clothes together. She knew it was not what they did together that mattered, but that they were connecting in a trusting relationship. Betty knew her grandson was home alone after school, but she could not literally be with him because of distance. Like most kids his age, Joe used instant messaging to connect with his friends after school. Betty who had used e-mail in her demanding job chose this route for opening a connection to her grandson. They now keep an open computer line from her office most afternoons after school. She helps him with his math homework, and he talks about what happened at school that day. She listens as if she were with him to hear his feelings. She doesn’t tell the story of two wolves as above, but she does tell him about his own father’s math problems when he was in school, and that many kids grow up with similar experiences.

In this example, Betty used her Grandmother Goodness to build a deep trusting relationship with Joe. She wanted to connect rather than to engage consumerist obsessions and buy things for Joe. Yes, grandmother shopping is great fun, but the meaning of material possessions is often fleeting. When grandmothers offer themselves, the gift will stay with a child.

Stories I’ve gathered from university students always tell of lessons learned from grandparents, not presents they received. Many tell of Grammy’s cooking or crafts, and vacations on Grandma and Grandpa’s farm. But their stories emphasize that during these times, grandparents taught them valuable lessons about life and showed them essential and everlasting love. Modern grandmothers spend little time in the kitchen or on a farm and may miss opportunities to connect with grandkids unless they use their Grandmother Goodness. Time is a scarce and precious commodity today for most middle-aged women. It is often easier to send an expensive gift, than to spend an afternoon, a weekend, or a leisurely summer day with a grandchild. But ingenious grandmothers find ways.